So! Ricky Martin has come out! Who would have thought? Ricky Martin? Gay? Nooooooooooooo!
Miss(ter) Martin, we knew you were gay before you knew she bangs. The moment you admitted your obsession with Madonna, we all turned to each other with a knowing smirk. When we saw you working out on the beach (fag in hand), we knew. No straight man wears a speedo on a public beach. Gay men, well, it’s a uniform. No entry unless your budgie is smuggled (and preferably in full view).
We all knew when you adopted twins. You’re a fine looking man. Any woman in her right mind would breed with you. I know a lot of men that would die trying. Ahem…
So, for those of you who are in the closet and would like to keep it shut a bit tighter than Miss(ter) Martin did, here are ten important lessons for you.
How to stay in the closet without everyone knowing:
1. Never admit to liking Madonna. In fact, do not even acknowledge knowing a song of hers. You will have to fight the urge to whip your hands in the air and snap as soon as her songs come on, but fight you will. That closet doesn’t come with a lock, you know.
2. Never do a song with Christina Aguillera. Just saying.
3. Do not wear a speedo. You may anonymously take a pic of your headless, speedo-wearing body and paste it on gay dating sites. Married men do it all the time.
4. Do not be in a speedo with other men wearing a speedo, unless you are Ryk Neetling.
5. Never sing in Spanish. Ever.
6. Never adopt kids unless you have a valid reason to. Or if you are married to Angelina Jolie. That’s fine…
7. Never ever, and I mean ever, wear tight pants while shaking your hips as you sing. Gay men have notoriously good rhythm and their bums are important to them, so hence the innate ability to shake them well. Few straight men get the dance gene.
8. Never be better looking than everyone else. That’s just mean. And every man you meet will be trying to get you out of that closet. Their reasons may vary from man to man.
9. Do not cry about the impoverished people you came across on a help mission while you are on the Ellen show. You may only cry if Ellen gives you a car. Anything else is just gay.
10. Do not refuse to answer questions about your sexuality. Nothing says gay than someone refusing to say. Just lie. We all did.